A Letter To My First Love

It has been a year since I last told you how much you meant to me. I lived for the moments we shared together most especially when you held and kissed my hand. It sent happy hormones up my brain and all my troubles were momentarily gone.

I remember as a young girl, I would imagine how it felt like to love someone. With you, I felt these feelings come to life. You meant the world to me and I treasured the relationship we had.

However, I didn’t imagine how it would be to lose someone, someone who meant so much. I wasn’t prepared. It all came to me too quickly. I didn’t know how much could change over just one night.

My world broke into pieces. For days I couldn’t seem to find myself. I struggled to hold on to what I had. I sought comfort in my friends, messing up here and there thinking I could get over you quickly.

I was wrong to think it was that easy. They say when we fall in love during this stage in life, we tend to identify ourselves with that person we love. Thus, when they’re gone, you too are incomplete–lost or gone.

For months, I convinced myself, this too would be over that maybe this is just a phase, something I could outgrow. For months I involved myself in different activities and met new people in the hope of completely forgetting you. It wasn’t easy. Every once in a while I would stop and memories of you and me keep crashing into my head. The feeling of missing someone has never been so real. It hurt so much more than anything, knowing it wouldn’t be the same anymore.

In the process of completely losing you, I slowly found myself.

I built myself up again, allowing myself to commit mistakes along the way. This is how I learned. I found delight in the smallest of things. I even became more affectionate towards people close to my heart. Little by little, my thoughts of you faded away.

Until recently, I knew about you and your new found love. I couldn’t help but think about that time when it was me. I thought about the moments I lived for and for a while I thought I’d lose myself again.

I never expected myself to handle it so maturely. Sure it stung a little, reading those sweet words meant for someone else. But, I also realized how it made me feel about you…I felt happy for you, happy that you’re over us and now you’re onto another chapter. I found myself finally letting go of you, happily letting go of what was once mine.

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